I found this poem I wrote in either 4th or 5th grade as I was thinking of what happens as I hit submit on the final post of this blogging project. What was I truly seeking when I began this journey nearly a month ago? It has certainly morphed and changed. There have been unforeseen empowering moments where I can truly see myself making a difference. There have been emotional moments when I reread some of my posts and revisited the feelings weaved within them. There have been exhausting moments where I didn't think I had a single other thing to write or say. I know this blog is a beginning and not an end. But a beginning to what?
The goal was to create an artifact that might be seen by the right person at the right time. Maybe a survivor would stumble upon it as they grappled with coming to terms with their abuse histories. Maybe someone would send it to a journalist someday so I could shine light on my abuser in a way he couldn't escape. Maybe it would just be a release for me. Maybe I needed to share in order to make peace and move on. I truly don't know what the future holds for this story and I certainly didn't when I began to share it here.
Last night was another sleepless night. When the house goes quiet and I am the only one awake, I let down my guard and let the feelings from the day really come forward. This way I won't affect the people in my life. Last night, my mind was racing while trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. I have a big post coming up and it has been a source of extreme anxiety. When I feel anxiety rising up like a wall blocking my path, I have learned to push through. The anxiety is protecting something that needs to be said and shared. It won't be easy. This blog hasn't been easy, but I have to end these 30 days in a way that sets me free.
When I finally drifted off to sleep it was the thoughts of freedom, peace, and pride that calmed me. It was the realization of the purpose I have missed as I post each day. This blog has been about making space for other survivors. It has been about starting a conversation around male sexual abuse. It has been about education and advocacy.
But it has also been about release and finding peace. It truly has been about opening up an old wound so it can finally heal properly. This blog has been about me and for me. It has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.
So maybe the main goal all along was finding the space my 4th grade self pictured. Maybe it was about walking through a forest and finding a clearing. Maybe in that clearing there are two large trees with high grass between them. And maybe, just maybe, I can finally lay in that space and finally feel free.
5 more posts friends.